What do accountants do when they are constipated?
They work it out with a pencil. (ewww)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
From the Humor Department
A young man was preparing for a date with a beautiful girl. He had read that he should get his date something to give her at the end of the evening as a token of his appreciation. So he went to a chocolate store and asked the owner for three separate boxes of chocolates -- a one pound box, a two pound box and a three pound box.
The owner was happy to fill the order but asked the young man why he purchased three separate boxes.
"Well, you see," said the young man, "I have this date tonight. How the date progresses determines the size of chocolate I will give my date as a token of appreciation."
"And how does that work?" asked the owner.
"If she only lets me hold her hand and doesn't allow me to kiss her, then I will give her the one pound box. If she allows me to kiss her goodnight, but only a sweet little kiss, then I will give her the two pound box. But if she allows me to make out with her, then I will bring out the three pound box."
"I see," said the owner. "Well, good luck."
"Thanks," said the young man. "I'm really hoping that tonight will be a three pound box kind of night."
Later that evening, the young man came to the girl's home. Her mother opened the door and asked him to come in for just a moment as the girl came down the stairs. Her father also came out to meet the young man and just before they were to go, the young man asked if they could pray before leaving her house. Impressed with his commitment to his religion, but a little taken back, the girl tentatively agreed. Mom and Dad stood quietly as the young man began to pray. And he prayed and prayed and prayed. Finally, and much to the relief of the girl and her parents, he ended his prayer and they left the house.
"I didn't realize you were such a religious person," noted the girl as they got into his car.
"I didn't realize that your father owned a chocolate store."
The owner was happy to fill the order but asked the young man why he purchased three separate boxes.
"Well, you see," said the young man, "I have this date tonight. How the date progresses determines the size of chocolate I will give my date as a token of appreciation."
"And how does that work?" asked the owner.
"If she only lets me hold her hand and doesn't allow me to kiss her, then I will give her the one pound box. If she allows me to kiss her goodnight, but only a sweet little kiss, then I will give her the two pound box. But if she allows me to make out with her, then I will bring out the three pound box."
"I see," said the owner. "Well, good luck."
"Thanks," said the young man. "I'm really hoping that tonight will be a three pound box kind of night."
Later that evening, the young man came to the girl's home. Her mother opened the door and asked him to come in for just a moment as the girl came down the stairs. Her father also came out to meet the young man and just before they were to go, the young man asked if they could pray before leaving her house. Impressed with his commitment to his religion, but a little taken back, the girl tentatively agreed. Mom and Dad stood quietly as the young man began to pray. And he prayed and prayed and prayed. Finally, and much to the relief of the girl and her parents, he ended his prayer and they left the house.
"I didn't realize you were such a religious person," noted the girl as they got into his car.
"I didn't realize that your father owned a chocolate store."
Friday, July 11, 2008
We Have Sufficient For Our Needs
This week has been one devoted to Temple service. On Tuesday and Thursday I taught the second and third Preparing to Enter the Temple Lessons (I have been the Temple Prep teacher off and on for over 10 years). On Wednesday my wife and I dropped off our son at school and then went directly to the Temple to do an endowment session (it was wonderful -- small group and they asked us to be the witness couple). And tonight I am going up to help the youth do Baptisms for the Dead. With all of this activity you would think that I would be stressed out of my mind. And while I am busy, and have had to stay a little later at work to make up for the time off, I have been at peace and have felt more spiritually fed than I have in some time.
As I told the class last night, it is about rendering service. When we serve others, we are blessed. Period. When we serve those who cannot help themselves, those who are depending on our time and talents, then I find we are blessed in ways that are unpredictable. Granted, I have known that truth for many years (most of my life, in fact). It is odd that we have to be reminded of what we believe so deeply.
The title above is one of my favorite lines in the endowment ceremony. It struck me a few years ago about how funny this line is -- I no longer have to stifle a giggle, but I still smile when this line comes up. Satan asks the speaker if he has any money (and goes on to tempt us with the idea that we can sell those things that are sacred for money). The reason this response is funny to me is that while the line is absolutely true, the speaker has no money at all. He doesn't need any (he has perfect knowledge that the Lord will provide for all of his needs, as he is on the Lord's errand). There are several great lessons here, all of which came back to me as I sat in the Temple on Wednesday morning.
Some time ago, a story was related to me that a knowledgeable church scholar made the statement that everything you need to know in this world is taught in the Temple. The scholar was challenged by one who heard this statement and the scholar replied that this other man had not been paying attention. The story went on as a lesson regarding paying attention while doing work in the Temple and specifically not falling asleep during the endowment session (a problem I think many have been guilty of, but can be repented of).
Whether the story is true or not (and since I can't document it, I have not included the names of those involved as it was related to me), I have since then tried to pay more attention to the Temple ceremonies and I have found that there are many lessons not necessarily obvious at first. One in particular is this line about having sufficient for our needs. Actually, there are several lessons involved in that line. First is the obvious one about not being greedy. Be satisfied with what you have and don't accumulate wealth or possessions for the sake of accumulation. It is not true that the one who dies with the most toys wins. The one who dies with the most toys leaves behind a lot of toys to be sorted through by his heirs!
But that leads me to think, "how can I be satisfied with what I have?" Two answers come to mind quickly -- either you have to need less or you have to earn more. In order to earn more, we have to improve ourselves -- better jobs come with more education and more hard work. I recently read that managerial accountants who have a CPA licence earn approximately 25% more than those who don't. Education takes time and effort and is often not easy. But the rewards are only too obvious.
To need less may be the harder of the two answers, though. It requires a change of attitude and maybe taking inventory of what we NEED. I will not preach that we should look at our spending habits and then cut out all vacations, dating, entertainment, or other forms of non-essential spending (i.e. anything that is not shelter, clothing or food). However, I will preach until I am blue in the face that we need to know how we spend our resources (both time and wealth) and then be aware of what our needs really are. I believe that we do NEED to have some fun, even some semi-frivolous activities. If those activities are done with the time and wealth that we have, then so be it. But the problems come when we spend resources we don't have (i.e. putting the vacation on a credit card that cannot be paid off immediately with existing funds). Money management is taught in the Temple! We must have sufficient for our needs, whatever those needs are, or we need to repent and change so that we do have sufficient for our needs.
Yes, I did say repent. "But if I don't have a good job, why do I need to repent?" I hear you screaming at your computers. Repentance is about changing our lives. It is about changing our lives to be in harmony with the Lord's will. And the Lord wants us to have sufficient for our needs. It takes a great deal of faith in the Lord to be able to do it. Evaluating our lives (recognition), desiring to make changes in our lives (remorse, although we don't need to beat ourselves up about it), and then changing our spending habits or our employment (repentance and restitution, if you will) requires us to have faith in the Lord and rely on His helping us.
By relying on the Lord, we can have sufficient for our needs. The laws of the Gospel have promised blessings of health, wealth, peace and security attached to them. Obey His laws and He will bless you so that you will have sufficient for your needs. Don't get me wrong -- opening the windows of heaven does not translate to having a sack of money dropped on your head (which could cause you more harm than good, come to think of it). Sometimes that blessing from heaven is increased knowledge that allows us to get a better job and earn more sacks of money. Were you blessed or did you do it all on your own? If you think that your job and your talents are self-made, you do need to repent. Maybe that blessing is one of health and thus your medical bills do not overwhelm you. Maybe your garden yields more than you could have imagined. There are various blessings that can come out of those heavenly windows.
Everything comes from the Lord and He has a reason for blessing you the way He does. Maybe you need to learn how to make ends meet, so that you can help others do the same. Maybe you have a great job, earn lots of money so that you have more than you currently need -- your responsibility may be for the welfare of others and the Lord's Kingdom itself. What I do know for sure is that the Lord WANTS to bless His people. We just have to do our part and be able to receive and recognize those blessings.
As I told the class last night, it is about rendering service. When we serve others, we are blessed. Period. When we serve those who cannot help themselves, those who are depending on our time and talents, then I find we are blessed in ways that are unpredictable. Granted, I have known that truth for many years (most of my life, in fact). It is odd that we have to be reminded of what we believe so deeply.
The title above is one of my favorite lines in the endowment ceremony. It struck me a few years ago about how funny this line is -- I no longer have to stifle a giggle, but I still smile when this line comes up. Satan asks the speaker if he has any money (and goes on to tempt us with the idea that we can sell those things that are sacred for money). The reason this response is funny to me is that while the line is absolutely true, the speaker has no money at all. He doesn't need any (he has perfect knowledge that the Lord will provide for all of his needs, as he is on the Lord's errand). There are several great lessons here, all of which came back to me as I sat in the Temple on Wednesday morning.
Some time ago, a story was related to me that a knowledgeable church scholar made the statement that everything you need to know in this world is taught in the Temple. The scholar was challenged by one who heard this statement and the scholar replied that this other man had not been paying attention. The story went on as a lesson regarding paying attention while doing work in the Temple and specifically not falling asleep during the endowment session (a problem I think many have been guilty of, but can be repented of).
Whether the story is true or not (and since I can't document it, I have not included the names of those involved as it was related to me), I have since then tried to pay more attention to the Temple ceremonies and I have found that there are many lessons not necessarily obvious at first. One in particular is this line about having sufficient for our needs. Actually, there are several lessons involved in that line. First is the obvious one about not being greedy. Be satisfied with what you have and don't accumulate wealth or possessions for the sake of accumulation. It is not true that the one who dies with the most toys wins. The one who dies with the most toys leaves behind a lot of toys to be sorted through by his heirs!
But that leads me to think, "how can I be satisfied with what I have?" Two answers come to mind quickly -- either you have to need less or you have to earn more. In order to earn more, we have to improve ourselves -- better jobs come with more education and more hard work. I recently read that managerial accountants who have a CPA licence earn approximately 25% more than those who don't. Education takes time and effort and is often not easy. But the rewards are only too obvious.
To need less may be the harder of the two answers, though. It requires a change of attitude and maybe taking inventory of what we NEED. I will not preach that we should look at our spending habits and then cut out all vacations, dating, entertainment, or other forms of non-essential spending (i.e. anything that is not shelter, clothing or food). However, I will preach until I am blue in the face that we need to know how we spend our resources (both time and wealth) and then be aware of what our needs really are. I believe that we do NEED to have some fun, even some semi-frivolous activities. If those activities are done with the time and wealth that we have, then so be it. But the problems come when we spend resources we don't have (i.e. putting the vacation on a credit card that cannot be paid off immediately with existing funds). Money management is taught in the Temple! We must have sufficient for our needs, whatever those needs are, or we need to repent and change so that we do have sufficient for our needs.
Yes, I did say repent. "But if I don't have a good job, why do I need to repent?" I hear you screaming at your computers. Repentance is about changing our lives. It is about changing our lives to be in harmony with the Lord's will. And the Lord wants us to have sufficient for our needs. It takes a great deal of faith in the Lord to be able to do it. Evaluating our lives (recognition), desiring to make changes in our lives (remorse, although we don't need to beat ourselves up about it), and then changing our spending habits or our employment (repentance and restitution, if you will) requires us to have faith in the Lord and rely on His helping us.
By relying on the Lord, we can have sufficient for our needs. The laws of the Gospel have promised blessings of health, wealth, peace and security attached to them. Obey His laws and He will bless you so that you will have sufficient for your needs. Don't get me wrong -- opening the windows of heaven does not translate to having a sack of money dropped on your head (which could cause you more harm than good, come to think of it). Sometimes that blessing from heaven is increased knowledge that allows us to get a better job and earn more sacks of money. Were you blessed or did you do it all on your own? If you think that your job and your talents are self-made, you do need to repent. Maybe that blessing is one of health and thus your medical bills do not overwhelm you. Maybe your garden yields more than you could have imagined. There are various blessings that can come out of those heavenly windows.
Everything comes from the Lord and He has a reason for blessing you the way He does. Maybe you need to learn how to make ends meet, so that you can help others do the same. Maybe you have a great job, earn lots of money so that you have more than you currently need -- your responsibility may be for the welfare of others and the Lord's Kingdom itself. What I do know for sure is that the Lord WANTS to bless His people. We just have to do our part and be able to receive and recognize those blessings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)